Wow...so a lot has happened since june... a quick recap...

I was going through a hard time, had no job but had no way of telling my mom that since i'd made a fatal error and told a lie, i hated doing it but it just happened so quickly and then i took the cowards way out and didn't correct my mistake until i had no choice but to.

Mom found out, we talked and she helped me fix up my resume and send it out to people not only in bc around where i live but in Jasper Alberta as well... I've posted some in my Deviant art journal so i'll copy them over.

July 26, 2009

Soo there's a bunch of things that i've been thinking about doing and wanna do in the last little couple of days. I suppose i've been stuck in a rut lately and it's been driving me nuts. So there are a few things i've been planning/thinking about, or just pondering in general.

Moving to Jasper Alberta:

Well I have been having a really hard time getting a job locally and so out of a need for money and a desire to break the slump i've been in recently i sent some applications up to Jasper inn and other such places. Since i lived there when i was a little kid it is sort of like going home really, and besides Jasper is an amazing place to live/visit.

I figure that it will give me a chance to get away from my family, don't get me wrong i love them all to bits...but it's just so hard sometimes to live up to their expectations and to constantly having them overshadowing me at times. So the time away to find myself and to work through what i want to do with my life will do me good.

My applications went for the most part unresponded to and i had been beginning to give up hope, until last saturday i logged into my work email and found a message from the Jasper Tramway and was later interviewed on thursday. It went well and i'm hoping to hear from the man who interviewed me by monday tuesday.

I've decided that if I really love living up there or that if for some reason i decide that i don't want to come home right away i'll just try and find a job up there, and if i can't i'll just grey hound it down to edmonton and search there.

Cosplay/Sewing:

Well a major reason why i started using Deviant Art after years of seeing the site and ignoring it, was admittedly the fact that it seemed like a good way to connect with other, more experienced cosplayers. I'm a major anime fanatic and love a wide range of anime however i've never really had anyone that was as into it as i was since i started high school.

So I hadn't really thought much of the whole "cosplay" scene. However i love to roleplay and well, it looks like a lot of fun. So I started getting more and more interested in it after watching the workings of Demyx time and the geniouses at FDP I became inspired, and realized that starting at the age of twenty wouldn't make me a wierdo...so i've been looking more at that aspect of things again.

I love to sew and wanted to start working on an original character that i would want to cosplay to a convention next year, however it doesn't work....sadly. so i'll have to invest in a new sewing machine. *pouts*

Some of the Cosplays i wanna do:

Eiri Yuki-Gravitation
Hatsuharu-Fruits basket
Sango- Inuyasha
Sesshomaru-Inuyasha
Duo Maxwell- Gundam wing
Axel- Kingdom Hearts 2
Riku-Kingdom Hearts 2
Kai Hiwatari- Beyblade G Revolution
Rei Kon- Beyblade G Revolution
Night- Absolute Boyfriend
Yamatto - Digimon 1&2
and mannyyyyyy more.


July 29, 2009

Holy crap, so for the last ....*counts,* two days?...yeah must be..but for the last two days I've been on cloud nine. As i said in my last Journal i was hoping to hear back from a man from Jasper Tramway about a job up there, with paid accommodations, paid transport too and from work and so on. I was practically sitting on my phone all Monday, my email program open all day so I'd be alerted if I had gotten a knew email. Nothing. I was so disappointed. I was just pretty much waking up yesterday however and got a phone call from Todd from the Tramway.

Now at first I was all pumped for a rejection, he started out by telling me that none of my contacts had called him back and how he had only had a brief conversation with one of the places that I worked for previously. I scrambled trying to think of other people I could give him the number for as references, and the problem was my cell is my main line of communication so as I was on the phone I was unable to pull up contact names on my phone...or at least I have no idea how yet...but anyway I digress. When he told me that “they usually don't want to waste any time at this point of the season and that they had many applicants that they had spoken to their references”, I was sitting there thinking “well that's it those bastards took a year of loyalty and hard work and each of them slapped you in the face and lost you a really great job by not responding and talking with them. “ However after a brief pause he informed me that he was going to over look that and go on instinct and asked me when I can get there, now to those that don't know. Jasper is in Alberta Canada...and so it's in a different province then I am currently living in...but I just excitedly exclaimed “i can be there on Saturday”

So despite being excited and oh so happy to be going on this little trip, I've been scrambling around desperately trying to put things in order. Get my cell phone fixed so I won't get charged an arm and a leg while out there, get my bank account set up so that I can just transfer what money I need to give my mother so she can pay my rent for me while I'm away, and cleaning up my house since the duplex I live in is pretty much all mine on the top floor, whoot two rooms even though I only really need one and can't a hundred percent afford the rent so have had to make an agreement with my mom for some help-she lives downstairs- so I pay for her rent and a hundred for utilities and then my own personal bills and she covers the upstairs rent. Well anyway I'm getting the all of upstairs cleaned up so that my mom can move upstairs for the duration that I'm gone. Since I have the bigger house my mom's just going to bring her three cats upstairs to be with my cat and my little pup.

Oh man...i leave in two days. It's rather daunting to think that in two days i'll be getting ready to get on a bus and go somewhere totally new...well i'd better get back to cleaning/packing.

And now that's completely up to date...*passes out on bed tired from a long day of cleaning and insane humidity.*

I keep having the same reacurring dream where i'm drowning and i can't find a way to get up out of the water. like there's a thin sheet of glass blocking my way and even as i feel my lungs burning for air i can't claw my way out of it. It's a really disturbing feeling. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i've all but cut myself off from my friends. well...the few friends that actually give a crap about me...it's a gross feeling to know that only a few of your friends care enough about you to actually try and keep in touch...like if i got in an accident and died tomorrow no one would care. Another dream i've been having...I get hit by a car and end up in a coma but i'm sorta floating above my body the whole time and in that time the only people that came to visit was my family, not a single friend.

Maybe something's wrong with me?

Wow it has been forever since i wrote anything on this thing...but then again it's like any other journal or thing i've ever had before...i don't usually write in it consistantly. well in a month i'm turning twenty...and all i've really suceeded in doing with my life in that time has been to be jobless for six months out of the year-i quit my job cuz my boss was a fucking ass hole but made the mistake of not having a job to go to before i did.

I'm looking into going back to school in the fall and am looking for a new job consistantly, deffinetly need to have one soon...i've been living off my mother and made the mistake of blurting out that i had a job that i didn't actually get just to keep her off my back about job hunting. so for the last week i've had to pretend i was going to work for a graveyard shift when really i've been hiding away upstairs.

As for my social life...it's died down to complete nonexistance. My closest friends are still there, karman, cassie shelly...but other friends i thought were supposed to be there have all buggered off or decided to take personality makeovers for the worse...or maybe ijust don't have patience for them any longer? i don't know...

anyway i'll try and be more regular with this.

Well it's official. I'm a legal "adult". Frankly this only makes me think more about the fact that i really need to start growing up and working towards my future..instead of hiding away in some kiddish fairy tale. I'd have loved a "happy birthday" from dazza...but i guess i had to point it out to her that it was my birthday...which i did. I've had an awesome day except for the few hours she graced me with her conversation. My mom bought me a awesome pot set, sure not the most glamorous but hell i like them. now i can cook at the same time as my mom is. and she got me these wonderful flowers. i got to go out to the movies with my uncle, got my bc id and now i'm gonna go out for dinner with my mom. Don't know what i'm doing tomorrow but gonna stick with my family for the most part.

The last few months of my life have been apsolutely horrible...i had a shitty time at cadets last year and then i graduated from school, a place where i felt i never trully ever fit in... i had few friends...and those i had i was always terrified of loosing. i have never had a happy life...and so what...i guess i'm just bitching...but i was so happy because i had one thing that i could cling to. one person that would never ever let me down...that would never make me feel second best...make me feel unwanted...feel alone.

that person was my life...and i made a lot of stupid mistakes to be able to spend time with them...nearly being kicked out of school several times, ( a thing i choose never to tell them). but i didn't care...if only i could be with them. if i could talk to them just a little more....but that's all over now...

it started as a simple thing...a suggestion of a visit. and maybe i was childish...maybe i was stupid. but i hoped..i prayed and i dreamt. that made me so happy. fo ronce my mother seemed to accept my relationship...and for once i though i would have the courage to tell my family and friends about it rather than live the life as the "sad friend that has never been in a relationship and is sad cuz she's still a virgin." maybe i could at last know a hundred percent that what i felt was trully love..that what i was told she felt was love. that when faced with the whole idea of being together we could do it...we could actually find a way to make things work.

what started out as a dream was quickly destroyed, first it was a doll...it wasn't so much the doll...but the feeling second best...and then the guilt connected to it when i ended up asking her not to get it but was told she still wouldn't be coming until august...when she'd originally told me june/july. but what was worse...was for the first time in all the time we'd known each other and been friends...we couldn't communicate properly. my words didn't seem to make sense to her...and i seemed to be talking a totally different language than her. how could "i want to be your only" seem so hard to understand. and how could "i want to be a part of your world" be wrong? dolls..i've never liked them...even when i was a little girl. i used to rip the heads off my barbies.

the lyrics "so don't cry to me me, if you loved me , you would be here with me, you want me ,come find me, make up your mind" seems to really hit me lately...(song : call me when you're sober by evanescence)

well anyway...things seemed to go from bad to worse. i spent as much time during th esummer trying to get on to the computer so that i could be with her...i worked myself to exhaustion, getting little more than three or four hours sleep a night...but it was worth it...it was okay as long as i could talk to her. but...then she started to tell me things like " i never talk about problems" and the reason i never do that is because i explode when i'm upset...i say things to hurt the other as much as i'm hurt. i tried to stop myself..i's a subconsious reaction to avoid confrontation..i've always done it and i always will. there's no chaning who i am. an dyet when i say this...it's not good enough...but in the same breathe i'm being told that "that's just who i am and you'll need to understand that"

how can i understand anything when it feels like my heart is torn in two? how can i understand anything when i can't talk to the one i love with all my heart for almost a month and then have her tell me that i treat her badly and she doesn't want to talk to me? after two weeks of having apsolutely no one to talk to and beeing all alone. and being told that...what was i supposed to think? was i supposed to be all "oh..okay i'm sorry i'm doing something i shouldn't be.." well fine then...screw that.

after she said that i realized...i've lost all the happiness...where are the days that just seeing her text made my heard beat faster...and made me flutter with happiness.? that's gone...now i can't even talk to her without things getting awkward...and so we rely hevily on our rping to keep us both from being unhappy....i can't talk to her about her life...it hurts too much because that's a thing i'll never be a part of. i have no pictures of her. i have nothing. i know she hasn't told her mother about us...and i know that in a year she'll probably still not have anything ready for going anywhere when and if i have the money to go see her.

i'm soooo tired of all my friends letting me down. brandy, shelly, now her. i want someone that will hold me...someone that will have some strength in the relationship...i don't want to have to feel like i'm the onlyone supporting the relationship and i don't want to feel like i'm being guilted any and everytime i talk to her simply because she doesn't understand what i feel and thinks i'm being unfair and not understanding how she feels. how can she say taht when she doesn't even remotely begin to understand what i feel? sometimes it feels like she's given up trying...and i've just given up on trying to hide it. i play and sit waiting for the dreaded "when are you going to bed" or "i have to go"'s.

i suppose since all of this is the case...then perhaps...our "slowing things down and not labeling things" is a good idea. but it still hurt....it was ten days before our first year aniversary...our first aniversary. what am i supposed to say to "if you want someone to hold you you should find someone closer to you"? i thought it was obvious that i didn't want "somebody" i wanted her...my girlfriend...the person i was in love with the person i thought i'd want to spend the rest of my life with. maybe i just wanted to see her try for once...not just in words and "trying" to understand how i feel...but actually try to pyiscally be there...i guess that it really was too much to ask...maybe i'd be better off with some guy or some girl out here where i live. maybe i should give in and start acting on the impulses i have with a few of my other friends...seeing where they lead me....or maybe i shouldn't have to second guess how i feel? maybe i shouldn't have to feel like i'm in the wrong for feeling disappointed and lonely? i don't even know if i should bother sending her the presents i've been meaning to send her...given she ever gives me her new adress.

ohhhhh and to make things worse...my friend fucking bailed on me so not only do i have to pay five hundred dollar rent a month..i gotta pay nine hundred and seventy. wowwy...happy go fucking lucky ain't i? like fuck me...why doesn't god just strike me down with a god damn lightning bolt and get it over with because there's no way in hell i can make that sort of money...the only time i seem to feel even remotely human is when i'm hanging out with my friends...but that's usually after a shit load of booze.

not to mention i'm getting my hair straightened and i got my belly button pierced...ohhhh and my mom's depressed...i have almost nooo furniture. i'm still stuck in cadets. and i have apsolutely no idea what i'm going to do with my life because i based everything i've done, both home and education wise on what people say they're gonna do and on what might or might not happen in the future...woopy...me being fucking stupid again *does a sarcastic little jig before shrugging*

And after all of this...why does my heart hurt so god damned much when i can't talk to her? why did i panic and nearly break down in tears as i read her lj tonight? why did my friend have to come take me to timhortons to help me come down because i was almost histerical and panicy? it makes no sense...why can't i just tstop loving her? i probably never will...i just lover her too much.

oooo and another note...way to go shelly for ditching me to look after your wanna be boyfriend while you went off drinking more at the other after party at john's place...i realllyyyyyyyyyy appreciated it. not.

EVANESCENCE-CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

Pain-Three days grace

Pain lyrics

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

The last three weeks has been hell. As for not going to school anymore that's been great. except i honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. i get up i work i come home and i vegg. and when i don't work i'm at home all the time with the dog cuz if i go anywhere my mother expects me to take her with me...sure...she's my puppy, and i trully love her a hundred percent. but it's nooo fun dragging a ten month puppy when she should have been getting used to being home by herself by now. but no thanks to the fucking, (pardon my language) pysoco path down stairs, and the freaking drama queek pyscopath next door, my mom won't let me leave her a lone for more than five minutes if i can avoid it by taking her with me.

and my mom's been a supreme pain in my ass...i hate kissing her ass just so i can get a couple of hours on the computer...but it's better then never getting to talk to dazza...*sighs*

*glances back at what she'd been writing and then sighs wishing she was stil as upbeat as she did then*)


sooooo what has happened since i had to ditch out on finishing this? hmm let's see...the psyco bitch moved out of next door, the guy down stairs is actually being cival. my mom's flying to toronto for a month starting next week. and i've been feeling lonely. so very utterly lonely.

i know it's my own damn fault for fallin gin love with someone that lives half way around the world, and frankly i'm the one that made her think about how we could be together, and she's told me all along she was scared. maybe i was just too pushy? maybe i was just to stupid and blind to see this isn't going to work.

The chaos really started when she told me that she might come visit me. sure i know she said she "might" but all i could think of was finally getting to meet her face to face, getting to trully know her. getting to hold her, hug her, kiss her, cuddle into her. Being able to cry into her shoulder if i was upset and feel her fingers on my body...Maybe i was just kiding myself, maybe i was getting my hopes up too fast, going overboard. but wouldn't you? if the one you trully and utterly loved mentioned even the slightest hope that you could be with them?

The plans i've been making, the plans to put off school for a year and work so i could go see her...all of that seems to be nothing. When she talks about coming here now it's like a second, passing thought, no actual, "hey that's coming up in a year" no it's more like "if that ever happens". it hurts...it leaves me feeling empyt and alone, to think that despite all my plans, and everything i've been working towards, sacrificing for might just end up never happening.

And what makes things worse is that every time i finally end up blowing up on dazza, i feel guilty because she says things like "it hurts me when you don't talk to me," and " you missunderstand me". this makes me feel like i'm the "bad guy" and maybe i am? maybe i'm over reacting. but it just hurts. all the time. my heart hurts...my chest almost never stops hurting anymore, i'm on edge, i'm moody, i'm on the verge of tears a lot too.

i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay...is that really such a bad thing? is that really so hard to understand? is it unreasonable that i should be angry that after all of my hopes and dreams for the last two months i should find out that there's no chance at all?

and if it is then fine...i don't care...

i hate how life seems to love fucking with me...just when things are starting to seem somewhat good again, things go down hill and go to hell. my aunt and uncle are gonna come to my grad commencement so i'm happy about that...and we were almost to the end of the month of having to put up with the asshole neighbor downstairs...and now he's not being evicted, and we have to move again, after just having moved two months ago.

The night has come... all that time in school, all that worrying about graduating and what to wear...but it's finally there. the day that you get to walk across that stage as a graduate and recieve your certificate and hear the aplause. you walk out onto the stage, they read the comments you left for them to read, and then as you glance out into the audience you notice that the five seats you know should be filled with your family stand empty. the moment passes and you remember that none of them could come because they were all at a wedding instead getting drunk and having a good time without you. a nightmare? no...that's a bout to be my none too far off future. *sighs* i swear..being the youngest of four cousins i've always felt like the bottom of the berril...but...that day was supposed to be my special day other than my birthday that everyone was all happy for me and there only for me...and yet fate turned around and yet again screwed me over...i cried for two hours straight on firday when i found out that everyone one that i loved wouldn't be able to come...and i kept hearing the..."i can't miss my niece's wedding" and yet you can miss your "nieces grad" without feeling any guild. sure maybe that's a little harsh but it's how i felt...i was so upset that once again i had to hold second seat and that again i would be the least important neice again..like always.

The fact i've been unable to talk to my girlfriend has made things even worse...and i've been feeling depressed a lot lately. i haven't been able to tell my family that i'm actually dating her when i wanted to...i keep getting the "when you start dating " lectures. but with the reaction and hassel i've gotten from my mother since i told her i'm a fraid of doing it...i'm only hoping that if i was to introduce her to them and tell them she was my girlfriend then maybe they could accept the distance that is between us? maybe then, seeing that it's a real person whom i love with all my heart then maybe they woul daccept and give their blessing...not that i need it to be in love with her. she's mine and always will be wether my family wants to have anything to do with her or not. even if that means if/when i get married to her...if she ever wants to get married that is.

I don't know why...whenever i think about what i want...i get anxious and feel unable to breath or think...but then again...the only thing that doesn't make me completely freak out is the thought of being with her.

my god the last three weeks have been hard. two weeks ago my mom and i came to a head and i was almost about to move out of my house. the only thing that really kept me from doing it was that the only way i would be able to sustain myself would be fore me to work an insane amount of time and probably quit cadets and work more than one job...

i hate my life...i've been feeling like shit for over two weeks now and my mom is constantly at me...and nwo my mom's trying to guilt me into doing all the house work and being more of aslave than i am just to "earn and keep" my dog. and i apparently only have till the twenty eighth to either help mom move or get rid of her and frankly i don't even want to move with my mom...i need a place to go so i'm going to try and ask my friend to let me stay with him until i can find somewhere else. and i have to go either pester mcd's or go apply somewhre else. i think i'll do both. if worse comes to worse i can work at two different places...hey who wouldn't want two paychecks? i'm feeling really pissy today...i didn't get to sleep until three in the morning today because i was packing all of my stuff and throwing stuff i don't want or need anymore, i gotta stop being a pack rat >.<, out. god life is so screwed up, i want it to stop...>.< the only thing keeping me from finding the idea of jumping into open traffic is a possibility is my girlfriend *sighs*

man...here i am at thre ein the mornign crying and listening to the radio and there's my puppy in her crate whining and my room being torn appart because i was packing, and then suddenly "keep holding on" by avril came on and it was like hearing the words i needed to hear from my gf...*Sighs* love you dazza *snuggles and wanders off to class have asleep*

Okay i don't really know what's going on with my life right now. I should be walking on air. i usually feel all giddy because i've talked to my gf..and because my puppy's sleeping peacefully at my side and i'm talking to my friends, both mine and people i've met through my gf, but i'm not. lately i've been feeling rather rocky...i've been teetering between feeling unbelievably lonely and feeling apsolutely giddy. most of the time i'm just exhausted. i'm runnin garound after her trying so hard to make things work cuz i don't wanna have to get rid of her...but she doesn't seem to wanna work with me. she'll sometimes go outside like she's supposed to or she'll go on the paper like a good puppy and other times she'll look right at me and shit or piss on the carpet.

and being sick hasn't helped much...and to top things off i've been running around, bending over backwards trying to meet up to my uncle's wishes for a "us hanging out and doin gsomething together" time. but he always wants to go to a movie...that's how he solves everything. if i'm upset he buys me things...it sucks...like last month or so i got in his car crying cuz my mom and i had had a fight and he buys me a manga to make me feel better...like what the hell i didn't even want it...and then my mom gets pissed at me because not only did he buy me the manga he took me to a movie too...*sighs*

and what's worse is he's turning more and more into someone i apsolutely dislike. he cuts me off when i'm speaking when he's one of the only people i haven't had to yell to be heard around all my life. everyon in my family always thinks that just cuz i'm the youngest what i have to say is the least important...but it's not. and he's started to do what everone else does and i hate it...and he guilts me now which he never used to do...and i hate that too...and god i just find everything so annoying right now and i wanna cry.

My dreams have been hecktic lately too...like the other night i had a really good dream where me and mariann were together and then for somereason i was being dragged away from here by a bunch of hands and i couldn't get away no matter how hard i fought. and then all these voices start telling me these things i've gotta do and pulling me in different directions and i just wanna be with her and then i can't even seem to find her...

and another one where once again i'm drowning except this time she wasn't there to pull me out of the water and so on and so on. and i don't know what's going on. i know that i'm just being paranoid and my less frequent conversing with her is getting to my head and my anxieties butthey'r ereally rattling some days and they make me wanna cry. i've really been missing he rlately...i just wanna snuggle up with her and cry half the time...*sighs*

so yeah...that was my random shit for the new year...happy new year eh?

Oh my god i'm soooo happy ^_^ my puppy's soooooo cute. her name's ubootoo...but i call her u-b for short ^_^ i love her so much and i just wanna hug her all up and never ever let her go *nodsnods* there' sonly one person i wanna cuddle and snuggle more and of course that's my mariann *nodsnods* i've missed her soo much the last two days. and i can't wait to call her tomorrow. i just hope that things are a little less awkward this time...

gods i'm sooooooooo sore. i guess that's what i get for letting a bunch of guys throw me around and stuff. i'm never wrestling with the guys again. <.< >.> okay who am i kidding? next time i'll be right in there with the rest of them *giggles*

wowww i had nooooo idea there was so much involved in potty training a new puppy...but it;s soo going to be worth it. i have three months to get her all trained up and fitting in. i've had to clean up mistakes all day but i don't care....

Merry Christmas ^_^

i got my puppy i got my puppy *bounce bounce* okay i just had to get that out *giggles and bounces off to check on her*

Gods i hate not having anything to eat. Today was the worst. at least yesterday there was some toast and i got fed dinner at cadets. but today if it wasn't for the fact mom got left overs from work i would have ended my day with eating only a candy cane at lunch...*sighs*

And my night last night was ruined. like crap man..the last thing anyone wants is to come home and have her mom be screaming in agony for the next hour and running around having to ask your uncle to drive down at ten thirty at night with pills. i didn't end up going to bed till like one in the morning cuz my mom wanted me to stay up and take care of her and help her with her wrapping. this morning i got up to go to school, mom saw there was no food and said i should stay home cuz of it. *sighs* i called in and then read for a bit...the thing is when i don't have food and i'm hungry i get sleepy, not to mention that i was tired from not going to bed till late in the morning... so i fell asleep only to be woken up two hours later by the stupid fire alarm. i had to spend fourty five minutes outside in the rain >.<

*sighs and shakes her head* at least when my mom went in to work to get her laptop i was able to sneak off to school and talk to dazza for a few hours *snuggles her dazzaangel doll*

love you dazza..i've been missing you sooooooo much lately. hehe it was fun today...and i was watching tv later and saw someone called ice-t and i nearly died giggling... ^_^

Wowww i had a great day today. first i got to sleep in, second it snowed last night...third i gotta watch the lord of the rings...and then finally...but deffinetly the best thing of all oday. <.< >.> i got to call Dazzaangel, rakuen, whatever...she's mine no matter what she's called online...mine mine mine *glomps dazzaangel and giggles* love you love you love you ^_^ hehe wow i've been all bouncey since i called her.

Wahhh there was a huge ass wind storm last night. like holly hell. there was green, red and blue lightening and me and my mom were all like "o,0 wtf there's green lightning..." and then around four in the morning our power went out. i've never known our hose to get so cold...and the fact is the power didn't com back all day. we had to venture out of the house to find out just how far the power was knocked out just to get a warm meal. with mom's back out it was a bit of a miserable journey. and when we finally did find out where there was power my mom was in such a bad mood that she refused to go get food with me so i ended up feeling bad as i stood in line to get food.

Soooo what's new? oh yeahhhhh i'm getting to baby sit for one of my neighbors on the twenty-seventh, eighth and nineth. sixty bucks a day for six hours ^_^ three days and chachingggggg *giggles* weee. and my aunt arranged for me to baby sit for a friend's kids so i'm in the doh for a change *giggles* i've sooo been dying to get some cash, i still got a few things i wanna get for my gf's b-day and christmas presents. ^_^ sure i made her a few things but i wanna buy her something nice to send with them. *giggles and waves to dazzaangel* you'll have to wait and see what it is...and i love you :P

Hehe on another note i've been in a weird mood lately. i don't know why. half teh time i'm in a good mood other times i'm in an iffy mood. I've gotten pissy with my friend yolanda like ten times in the last week and it's only been four days. *sighs and shakes her head* man...now i've got to figure out wheither i wanna be her friend or not. really, tilts her head* though i managed to get someof my frustrations out by messing with my role playing characters ^_^ it's sooooooo much fun.

Man i just can't get into christmas this year...my mom decided she didn't wanna go to jasper and so we ain't going, and now our land lady screwed us over so i doubt we're going to have enough money to even have the christmas treats and stuff for me and her. mom's getting her puppy so i guess that'll be good..but i don't get to get what i really really want for christmas...i want my mariann...my paradise *gets all pouty and then runs off to cling to dazzaangel*